threatened

I've worked so hard to create this new image for myself... to seperate myself from my past and start something new....

and when the threat of my old life threatens my new one I - I just got so afraid.... that everything I've worked for may slip away.... I do treasure my life, and my reputation.... but if I dont have any courage or integrity to back it up, my "good  reputation"  is just the lie of a hypocrite.
eh... no big deal
it's just another secret, and Lord know's I've got plenty.... noone would ever know why I changed my mind....

But seriously.

I could grow up?    .....hmmmmmm
....


This is something I need to get over.... so somehow, I need to figure out how to do that.....

Rae's chat helped.

praise the Lord she can still read my mind... hear me screaming and freaking out inside my head. We're not close like we used to be.... but a bond like ours isn't easily broken.... she's still there when I need her... and today I REALLY needed her. noone else in the world would do.

:) Rebecca may be good for a pep talk too, and I have a feeling she'd side with Rae on this one.... she'd tell me to hire her... to not let my past have power over me... and that if she really is the best one, anyone else would just give me a headache.... heh. God would probably make sure that happened on purpose.

funny guy, that God.... such a kidder...

.... well, God, I won't let you have the last laugh. I'm just going to do the right thing, pull up my big girl panties, and suck it up..

little do i know, and i do know, God's first choice isn't to laugh at me when I'm being retarded. He'd rather me grow up and take ownership of my life and my future and get over the past.
... I KNOW!!

I know God... you win either way. You always win.
you d-bag.

yes, I just called you a d bag, and you liked it.

Now that we've had this totally productive and rediculous conversation, I hereby go back to avoiding you.... until I feel like talking to you again....

I know, I know.... you can make me stop avoiding you. and at some point, I'm sure I'll apologize profusely and remember how incredible you are...  and I'll feel totally stupid....


but right now, we're fighting, becuase i said so.... so please let me have this. let me be childish. and you will...

we'll figure it out later.......  because we have to.....